Usually, the transition from high school to college for both students and their families is quite complex. In order to assist students in this transition, parents need to be aware of and sensitive to all of the emotions and behaviors that their student may be experiencing. Likewise, it is important that parents are aware of their own feelings due to most people’s inability to interact with total objectivity at this time.
1. The feeling that everything is black or white (dualistic thinking). Examples are: “There is only one major, partner, career for me, etc. “Some authority will help me figure out my goals.”
2. Feelings of self-doubt. Examples are: “Am I OK?” The issue of self-doubt is multidimensional. Students consider their physical, mental, spiritual, sexual, social selves as well as some other dimensions. Students in this development stage usually will experience some level of self-doubt. This may be difficult for parents to see because the students presents him/herself as quite self- confident about most things, but may still be quite insecure.
3. Feeling the need to prove oneself. This feeling usually emerges from the self-doubt area. In this culture, males are expected to be competent and to do things well, but the areas they tend not to feel competent in relate to sexual desirability and performance. They are expected to know about sex and feel pressure to show that they do. Females in this culture are expected to be attractive, focus on their looks and are not reinforced nearly as much for their competency. Female students tend to expect people to relate to them sexually but are insecure about whether they are viewed as competent, worthwhile individuals.
4. Feeling the need to have a partner. Parents and grandparents need to take much of the responsibility for this. Many parents and grandparents begin emphasizing relationships very early so in the first grade they ask, “do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?” Or, later they say, “she is so nice and so pretty, I wonder why she doesn’t have a boyfriend?” For students now, as a young adult, these feeling, such as the excitement of meeting a new romantic interest or the hurt of losing a romantic interest, are very strong and may interfere with his/her attention to academic and other responsibilities.
5. Feeling the need to be independent. For a new college student, making his/her own decisions, testing limits, developing their own lifestyle can be very exciting and very frightening at the same time. No one ever makes all the right decisions. Parents need to provide their college student with the opportunity to make poor decisions. This is how people learn.
6. Feeling the need for Mom and/or Dad to approve of them. Students may not verbalize this need, but they often do to counselors. If parents watch closely, they can spot this need. Again, providing support and room to make mistakes will allow your student to feel more comfortable.
7. Not feeling the need to have approval from Mom and/or Dad. Parents should avoid setting themselves up for such reactions from their student. For example, don’t say things like, “Are you going to miss me,” or “Do you think we did a good job raising you?” This feeling is often associated/confused with resentment students feel because they do not perceive that their parents approve of them. It is important that parents remember how self-focused their students are at this time.
8. Feeling the need to rebel. These are quite turbulent time for the young person. The frustration and confusion that students experience often results in anger which can be expressed toward almost any authority and parents tend to be prime targets. Sometimes, the student’s rebellion will not seem to make any sense, however, if parents argue with them, it will probably make the student’s position even stronger.
9. The feeling of self-satisfaction and self-confidence. If students apply themselves and accept the new responsibility, the rewards in terms of self-esteem will be great. Parents also tend to find satisfaction in witnessing their children’s growth. Some parents believe that they can evaluate their student’s progress simply by looking at their grades. Parents need to see the larger picture of your student’s college experience.
10. Feelings of homesickness. Feelings of homesickness can feel devastating to students for a few hours or days, but for most of them, this pasts quickly. Parents may also experiences feelings of intense loss and discomfort for a time as well. If a student feels apprehensive about leaving home, reassure them that you will be available to talk with them about how they are doing in their new environment. Just because you (if you attended college) didn’t have difficulty in adjusting, does not mean that your child will as well. Don’t minimize what they are feeling - strategize with them to allow them to feel better about their situation (ex. join social or service clubs/activities).
11. Feelings and behaviors that parents may experience. Usually, the young person gets all of the attention in this process. As parents, there are predictable reactions which they can experience.
A. Apprehension about their student’s chances of success.
Everyone has heard stories about 4.0 high school students flunking out of college. If their student is only average in ability, parents may be even more worried. Parents must be quite careful that they do not accidentally convey this apprehension as a lack of faith in their student.
B. Worry about them.
Parents can get themselves into a state of high anxiety envisioning auto accidents or what their student may be doing all night. The worry may convey a lack of trust to their student.
C. Envy of their opportunity.
Not all parents had the chance to go to college. While students may take some or all of it for granted, parents might find it all very appealing.
D. Parents tend to be more comfortable with things that they are familiar with and can be skeptical or critical of things that they are not familiar with, including types of people.
E. Loneliness - Most parents miss their children. Family dynamics will change and other children in the family may be affected.
This is a very difficult time for most parents and the sense of loss should not be minimized. The new student will be too caught up in their new life to help their parents with this experience. Letting go may be the hardest thing parents have to do for their students.
F. Joy
At having the student gone and that is okay too. In reality, parents probably have a combination of loneliness and joy.
The Counseling Center staff realizes that the behaviors we are going to suggest are easier said than done. We believe, however, that their effectiveness makes them worth the effort.
1. Whether a parent’s daughter or son is a commuter student or a residential student, he/she needs the following from their parents.
A. Tolerance of their confusion and their mistakes.
The less tolerant parents are, the more pressure students feel and accordingly they become more confused and more likely to fail. Parents should not just reinforce a decision that they agree with and also try to not jump on the student’s mistakes.
B. Parents’ old role of authority figure will in most circumstance not be helpful.
Parents should consider replacing it with the role of friend, supporter, facilitator, role model or admirer.
C. Expect, allow and encourage students to make their own decisions.
This task will often make parents feel crazy. The more that the student is able to control their lives, the more likely they are to succeed.
D. Accept the student as he/she is.
As wonderful as most parents are, their student is different from them. Parents will be surprised at how easy it is to live with their college students if they let their student be themselves, rather than expect them to conform to the parents’ values and standards. It is very important for everyone to be more tolerant and accepting of human diversity. This is something that the University is teaching them. The campus environment is a complex, diverse and crowded place. In addition to their academic demands, student will be regularly presented with many activities and groups of people.
A standard billboard advertising campus events might include:
Eating Concerns Discussion Group B-Glad Film Festival
Black History Month Colloquium IBM User’s Workshop
Adult Children of Alcoholics Group AIDS Symposium
Women in Engineering Panel Campus Ministry Ice Cream Social
These events are just as important as the classroom for the student’s development as people.
It would be helpful if parents did not jump to stereotyped conclusions about women, blacks, gays, the physically challenged, etc.
E. Be proud of your daughter or son. This will be one of the most important things in your student’s life, just as it was for you to have your parents be proud of you.
2. The Services of the Counseling Center
A. As good as parents believe their advise to be, there may be times when things do not go well for their son or daughter.
B. The Counseling Center provides services which may help to prevent problems or which may help to resolve problems that have developed.
1. Licensed psychologists/professional clinical counselors/trainees.
2. Professional, confidential and free to all undergraduate students.
3. Career, educational and personal counseling.
4. Crisis intervention.
5. Group and Workshop programs.
6. Videotapes.
7. Career library
8. Referrals, consultation and outreach.
9. World-Wide-Web page: http://www.udayton.edu/~cc
If your student is saying that he/she wants to leave the university, explore reasons behind such a decision - do not immediately make a decision for your student.
If you hear from your student or student’s roommate, friend, etc. that your student is feeling depressed, sad, anxious etc., don’t just assume that such feelings will pass. Talk directly to your student about how he/she is doing. Also, parents can contact the Counseling Center to gain information and/or suggestions that may assist you in talking to your student.
If your student tells you that they want to hurt themselves or others, take them seriously. Options are to come to the university, call UD public safety to have someone check on the student, contact counseling center regarding what your student told you. A Counseling Center staff member can meet with the student and determine the risk level of the student for suicide/homicide. Also, parents can contact Campus Ministry or Residential Programs staff for support for themselves and their.